All those thoughts rolling around my head.

I graduated from college in 2010.  It was the second time in my life the first being with my BFA in creative and professional writing.  I hopped on down to Wichita because that was where I was going to get my MFA in Poetry and I was going to graduate and teach college.  Open up students like myself to the "dark side" like my professor and friend of many years Susan Carol Hauser did.  Unlike Dorthy, Kansas wasn't for me and like the game of monopoly I went back to start and returned to my village.

Because really was jail even an option.

I never did finish my MFA in Poetry and I don't know if I ever will.  I was back in the village with no job, no money, a Discover card with my moving costs sitting on the balance,  and no home-thank god my mom let me move back home.

I was a writer or at least I thought I did.  I also thought I was a teacher or had the makings of one.  I just didn't have the license. Unfortunately coming back to Minnesota when I did- I didn't have much time to think about hopping into Spring Semester.  I lingered in the village and waited my time to start in the fall.

My family felt sorry and donated to my life to allow me to survive.  My grandpa was still a fur buyer at the time and I earned money by combing coyote pelts everyday for a week.  In the fur shed I would pop my earbuds in and with a big metal comb you would use on horses I would remove the blood and burrs from the coyotes my grandpa would purchase from the Northern MN trappers.  It wasn't a get rich kind of job but it allowed me to get a little scratch in my pocket and I was able to meet lots of characters.  Some of those "dirty minded-good ole boys club," trappers didn't have the nicest things about me in the fur shed but I just kept my head down and didn't let them know I could hear over def poetry tracks I had playing on my iPod shuffle.

When summer rolled around my grandma was experiencing pain in her back and hip so I was promoted to lawn mowing landscaper.  Once a week I would walk over to the farm which was less than a mile from my house and have lunch with the farmers and visit with my grandma and then out to the lean-to to unearth the john deer lawn mower.  I would pop in my ear buds turn the lawn mower to rabbit and time would fly.

My evening would be occupied by talking to my friend from eHarmony(who later becomes my husband) and playing yahoo literati which was the yahoo version of scrabble.  I always loved the word games.

Now fast forward to 2016.  I am village adjacent by 45 minutes.  I work everyday between 8-14 hours a day.  I am a sub and I wear an orange apron to get me through life.  I have been offered different positions in my retail life and I would go backwards.  I am a sub because it allows me to be adjacent to my teaching passion that the degree on the wall says.

trying not to fall down the rabbit hole today

So it has been a rough time for me in 2015.  Losing 2 of my closest friends and still trying to navigate this being an adult and being a wife thing.  Things get lonely, dark and twisty from time to time and I just hope to keep going forward.  How does Dory say it: "Just keep swimming"

I am on the phone with my mom yesterday who is obscenely happy and it really is part of her charm just nothing that I am.  I tell her I am having a hard time emotionally and I mention just trying to not fall down the dark rabbit hole.  Her reply "just stick out your arms."

Still working on this writers block thing.  Who ever said it didn't exist is so wrong but I guess that is why writers are described at tortured: or can be.

While waking from my slumber these four lines came to me.  Not much in the way of length but definitely feel an image.


With the squealing of the tires
Came the snuffing of a life
A mother lost a child
A husband lost a wife

Backstories and blurred edges

After spending 4 days at a digital storytelling conference I had the pleasure of putting together this little piece of work. I am a descendant of immigrants from long ago. I am not aware of my complete family history but am thankful for what I do have. This was my first time at a voiceover so excuse my stumbles. I look forward to pursuing this further for professional and personal developement.

For my mama

Freedom's child
trippin through life

Passive to the aggression
of the family's dramatic strife

Grey in her hair
laughter in her heart

Gypsy style
wanderlust strong

Where to start
time to roam

To Begin

I moved back to the village after a brief time in Kansas. I didn't hang in the bible belt long. WSU was like the titanic. I felt like I was drowning on a daily basis. I hopped the first life boat out. Self preservation, so I have been told. I joke about it now. "Best thing about Kansas was having it in my rear view mirror." I am sure someone from Kansas would disagree with my asumption and then people who used to live there and relocate might just agree. Truly though the best thing I could do was leave.

Aftermath of my time there though. I have not been able to write. Blocked. No doubt about it as stuck as my hair in the shower drain. I have been searching for a solution. I pray for the muse. The whitespace has not spoke to me in some time.

And so it begins...

I am going get through this in 2010. I am going to let the ink flow or shed blood by trying.

Game On.